Biblical Femininity Part 4.0: Conflict

If you've been reading along through Parts One, Two, Three and 3.2, thanks for hanging in there. I know it's a lot, and I pray you've been blessed.  I was planning to do all of the conflict section as “Part Four,” but I think I’ll break it up into more manageable bites.

So we've made it this far. We trust God and believe the Bible. We are made in the image of God and realize that includes humility, service, and submission. We have some understanding of what submission is and is not, what it looks like.

But what if he _________?

We are fallen, forgiven, redeemed, undergoing sanctification, and awaiting glorification. So are our husbands. We live in a fallen world. Things happen. We sin against one another, sometimes grievously. Conflicts arise. Sometimes husbands lead badly, or make mistakes. Sometimes our husbands sin, sometimes they make foolish choices, sometimes they fail at loving us as they should. Sometimes we treat them poorly. Sometimes they make a reasonable decision but we just don't like it.

What then?

Here is one foundational principle. Remember we said that submission is not based on the husband's merit? If the reason for our submission is not that the husband deserves it, then it naturally follows that we continue to submit even when he so very clearly does not deserve it. Think of it this way: Do you want to be loved only when you are lovely? Then do not respect only when you notice respectability. We honor our husbands, including speaking honorably to and about them, even when we disagree. Even when they sin. Without following them into sin.

Easier said than done? I know.

The wife may feel she is placing herself in a position of vulnerability by submitting, and in some ways that is true. But she is not without protection. The Bible has clear protocol for relationships, communication, and conflict. (Please note: this is not limited to marriage! These principles are helpful in all relationships, with modification where appropriate.)

(Another side note: Does anyone else feel that modern women, maybe especially Christian women, are sometimes bad at resolving conflict? We are taught our whole lives to be "nice," as if that is the defining Christian virtue and trumps all others. So we try our hardest to avoid conflict, at almost any cost. When that's not enough, we just don't know what to do. We panic and get overly emotional, or ignore the problem and hope it goes away. Not very effective, is it? That's why this is maybe my favorite portion to teach. It's kinda fun.)

Here's where I get as practical and literal as possible.  I'm going to outline eight "layers" of protection for the wife in the context of conflict and sin.  Much of this is taken from Martha Peace's book The Excellent Wife.

1. Biblical communication.

This is the first layer of protection. When this is in place, very often we don't have to go further. We need to have the courage to be honest with our husbands. Think straight and speak carefully.

Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

If you have room to grow here, (and who doesn't?) I have enjoyed Now You're Speaking My Language or The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. These are basic, and maybe not extremely theological in perspective, but practical and helpful. A good starting point if you want to see growth in the area of communication.

For many couples, the communication skills are present, but for some reason good ol’ couple time is coming up short.  Lots of protected time for the couple to be present together in conditions that are conducive to conversation is vital marriage maintenance.  Keep in mind that your husband may define “conducive to conversation” very differently from you!  Women think of late night chats with lots of eye contact and emotional expression.  Men think of golf.  Keep his perspective in mind.  A Saturday morning drive in the country or walk around the block may be just what he needs to start talking.  And who says you can’t play a round of golf on date night?

For us, protected quiet space is hugely important.  For example, we cancelled our cable, and our television set is rarely turned on.  This environment of peace and rest is vital to our family rhythm. We make a point to be available to one another in the evenings, after the kids are in bed.  Most nights this is very casual, but the freedom is there if one of us needs the other.  You never know when someone will blurt out “I’m freaking out; I don’t think I’m cut out to be a mother of three.  What if I can’t handle this?”  Hypothetically speaking, of course.  If we don’t provide fertile ground for these conversations, they don’t tend to spring up on their own.

You may be able to provide that fertile ground and still watch lots of TV.  That’s just an example.  But think about what you can do to make room for conversation.  Evenings do not work well for some people; maybe you should strive to have breakfast together more frequently.  Figure out what works for you and make it a priority.

Hopefully you can build a habit of consistent communication into your marriage.   Routine communication; not just when there is an Issue To Discuss.  It’s never too late to start!  Invest in this habit everyday, and it will be a strong layer of protection around you both. When conflict occurs, you are in good practice for some honest, polite and helpful conversation about it.  The tracks have been laid.  "It hurt my feelings when you said that."  "I think you're making a huge mistake."  "I would like for us to spend more time alone together."  "What do you think is the best way to teach our kids about the Bible?"

Work on being a “safe place” for your husband.  While many women will reveal their deepest darkest secrets to any blog reader or sorority sister, men tend to be more private.  He probably doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to very many people, and if he’s like most men you are the only person with whom he’s completely vulnerable.  So respond in a worthy way!  If he tries to be fully himself with you and gets wounded in the process, he may not keep it up.  Do what you can to help him let down his guard with you. If communication is not easy for him, acknowledge his efforts and do what you can to make it more comfortable for him.  This blog post explores this concept beautifully.

2. Overcome evil with good.

1 Peter 3:9-12 Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. 10 For "Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; 11 let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. 12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."

So, in the context of immense frustration with your husband, when you have been wronged and feel justified in your indignation.....give him a blessing. A specific, tangible blessing.

Am I crazy? "for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing." When we bless one who has not done us well, we obtain a blessing. Hey, I didn't write it. So instead of slamming doors and sulking, do something thoughtful. I don't mean "think positive thoughts in his general direction" although that's not easy either. I mean something like....pick a movie you know he'll like. Pick up his favorite snack or make his favorite dessert. Pay him a compliment. Overcome evil with good.

I don’t mean that you should pretend he did no wrong. It's just showing grace. As God so generously shows us.

Proverbs 19:11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

You find yourself at a fork in the road. Your husband said something thoughtless and hurt your feelings. He made a bad choice, and the family is suffering the consequences. He neglected an opportunity to love you well. And you have a choice.

Sometimes, you let it go.

Maybe you mention it, maybe you don't (see "Biblical communication", above). But after that, you choose to "overlook an offense."

Did that just rub anyone the wrong way? It would me too, probably. Perhaps an analogy will help. You have PMS. You had chicken nuggets for lunch with the kids, while your husband attended a catered business lunch with friends. You are wearing sweatpants and have unwashed hair; he looks dashing in a button-down. The kids have built 4 different forts in the living room, made mudpies in your good dishes, and played in the flour. Your husband comes in, "What's for dinner?" He is met with an icy stare and a rude, sarcastic comment from you.  You give him the cold shoulder for the next hour. How should he respond to your sin? A. "Dear wife, that was inappropriate. What did I do? Why would you speak to me that way?" B. "I see your attitude is even uglier than those pants." C. "Why don't you sit down and put your feet up while I wash these dishes?"  We want C, right? That's called "overlooking an offense," and it would be to "his glory."

Go back over the above example and reverse the roles.  Imagine the husband is rude to the wife after he had a bad day at work.  Does that make it worse?  Does the wife seem more entitled to grace than the husband?  Why is that?

I think one unfortunate effect of feminism is that women sometimes hold themselves to a lower standard than men.  Think about it.  Do you ever feel like only Stepford wives are actually nice to their husbands?  Do you appreciate your husband going out of his way to be helpful to you, but feel like a secretary on Mad Men when you do the same for him?  Do you feel "modern and liberated" when you sarcastically insult your husband?  Do you believe he has the "right" to treat you the same way?  If you read this advice, about overlooking an offense, in a blog directed to male readers, would it seem different? 

3. Biblical appeal. "Honey, we need to talk."

This is distinct from Biblical Communication because I hope the communication is an ongoing daily habit.  Now we're moving into the realm of the occasional "sit down."

Remember the fork in the road I mentioned before? Yes, this is the other fork. Option B, if you don't choose "overlook an offense."

*****Notice that there is no "Layer 2.5: pout, give the silent treatment and sulk. Don’t say anything, but put his offense on ‘the list’ to bring up later when you're mad about something else." Or my personal favorite, "Vomit all over him with a list of everything you don't like about him. Make sure to mention at least one thing that happened more than six months ago. Then say, 'I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to fight.' and walk away."*****

I'm a nice Christian girl. A Baylor sorority girl, for crying out loud.  Baptist. Blond. Short.  I know a thing or two about passive aggression, OK?

Don't you wish there were something in between?  So often when we're angry, we don't want to overlook the matter completely, but aren't quite sure we're justified in a full confrontation.  So we stay angry but pretend otherwise, or give a subtle attack that we can deny or deflect, or disguise our criticism as a joke.  "What?! I didn't say anything."  Or, "I was just teasing.  Can't you take a joke?" But I really feel like that is the most destructive way to handle it.  I think we have to choose a path and go with it.  Say something, or don't.

Let me ask you a question. Who is better suited to offer a man wise counsel than his "suitable helper"?   Is it possible that you were created with this sort of "help" in mind? So don't sell yourself short. Do it right.

First things first, girly girls pay attention here: You're not showing respect if you refuse to talk to him like a man. He's a grown man, right? Treat him like one.

Step one: lead with confession. Hey, I never said this was easy. If you can't handle this, you might want to rethink step two above and "overlook an offense."

Matthew 7:3-5 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Begin your conversation with humility and an acknowledgment of your own role in the conflict. I love this analogy: Let's say he is responsible for 75% of the guilt, and you are only guilty of 25%. Well then, apologize for your 25%, own up to it, and do your part to make it right. Only then will you be in a position to address his 75%.  And hey, if somewhere along the way you realize it may actually be more like 50/50 (astonishing!), then so much the better.

Step two: It may be wise to include a reassurance of your intention to submit, if there is no sin involved. "Honey, I wish you would reconsider. I think you're making a mistake. But after you hear me out, if you go ahead, I trust God and I'm with you completely."  "I really don't want to move to Wisconsin, and I want you to listen to the 37 reasons why it’s a bad idea.  But if you decide to go then I'll start packing."

Step three: Think through your approach. You'll catch more flies with honey than vinegar.  If you attack your husband, he will retreat from you.  If he feels cared for and respected he is more likely to take your words to heart.   I don’t mean that you should be manipulative.  Just care for him honestly and thoughtfully.  Golden rule, again.  How would you like for him to speak when he disagrees with you?

Proverbs 16:21 The wise of heart is called discerning, and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.

Step four: Leave it in God's hands.

1 Peter 3:17 For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God's will, than for doing evil.

If your husband is not persuaded by your appeal, and he is not in sin, then your part is done. Let it lie. It doesn't help for you to sin to avoid the consequences of his bad decision. If he makes a foolish choice, he will bear the responsibility for that. This is a weighty responsibility, and there is nothing you can do to relieve him of it. If submission is your "cross to bear," then this is his. And never forget the possibility that he is right. Remember we talked about expectancy? God may be leading through your husband, and it may not make much sense to you at the time. How must Mary have felt, being woken up in the middle of the night to flee for their lives to Egypt?

Remember the qualification "if he is not in sin."  We move forward to step 4 when sin is involved.  Stay tuned...

Biblical Femininity Part 3.2: A Note on Masculinity

I just realized that a few points could use clarification. First, Biblical masculinity is a topic well worth covering. I am not the woman for the job, but I know the man who is. Justin and Casey organized and taught a wonderful seminar on Biblical Masculinity back in April, and Stephanie and I were asked to lead the corresponding session for women. Justin's talk is available here. I would never endorse a church which taught submission for women and yet remained silent on the unique tasks of men. I won't write about them here, but they are substantial.

It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that there is much press in Christian circles given to submission. Lots of books, blog posts like this, etc. discussing "what does submission mean, how do I do it, etc." But there is sadly less literature for men about "how can I love my wife as Christ loved the church?" which is unfortunate. I just want to be clear that although this blog is written by a woman, and these posts are primarily geared to women, that is not the full picture.

Also, I know that I'm not doing an exhaustive study of femininity. I am currently posting only the material I prepared for a short seminar, and I know I'm not covering everything. I don't mean to imply that Femininity = Submission. That is definitely not the case. I only hit on it because it needs to be properly understood. But there is a lot out there we could also be talking about. We're not talking about motherhood at all, women in church, or women in the workforce, or dating....lots of things. I know. I may be able to get to it eventually; let me know if you would like to see a particular topic. I have a request pending for some writing about women in medicine; that is "marinating" in the back of my mind, but it's coming. Anything else?

Biblical Femininity Part Three: Submission

(Make sure you hit Part One and Part Two first!)

There it is, the "S" word. You knew it was coming, didn't you?

If you're anything like me, the word "submission" is loaded with strong emotion. It is easily and widely misunderstood and misapplied, and for that reason it rubs many of us the wrong way.

But... there can be another reason for our offense, that little thing we call "pride." That's why I like to review those verses about submission within the Trinity. It turns down the dial on my own pride a few notches, especially the Philippians passage. In fact I'll just put that one here, in case you don't want to click over.

Philippians 2:5-11 ⁵Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
⁶Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
⁷but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
⁸And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
⁹Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
¹⁰that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
¹¹and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

The reality is that the God we serve is not too proud to serve, to submit, to be a helper. To obey. So why in the world am I?? Keep that reality in the back of your mind as we move on to Ephesians:

Ephesians 5:21-33 "....submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

So what is submission? A disposition to yield to the husband's authority and an inclination to follow his leadership.

Some general characteristics first.

a. Submission is freely given. Notice that it is the wife's responsibility to "see" to it in verse 33. It springs from the wife's loving obedience to Christ. It is not imposed by a domineering husband. In fact the husband is nowhere commanded to "make your wife submit."

(As an aside, just review again exactly what husbands are commanded. Not much leeway for chauvinism, is there? Some husbands love to "remind" their wives of these verses, but somehow forget to apply them to themselves first.)

Likewise, we cannot demand or enforce our husbands to obey their command to love us as Christ loved the Church. Anyone ever tried that? How's that working out for ya'? ; )

b. Submission is honoring to God.

Titus 2:3-5 "Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, 4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled."

What is it, exactly, about a woman who is not submissive that leads to the word of God being reviled? Doesn't that seem a little harsh? What is it about my submission that somehow brings honor to God?

Our God deals in little things, or at least sometimes they seem small to us. Attitudes of the heart, issues of the individual family in the privacy of their own home. These things matter to God.

When I submit, it shows that:

1. Obedience to God is more important than having my own way. If I am willing to embrace this doctrine, it teaches me and proclaims to those watching that I would rather obey God than follow my own impulses and desires. This is a discipline.

2. True freedom is found only in Christ. Not in following every impulse I have, the moment I have it. More on this later.

3. I reverence the Lord as sovereign and powerful. I am the creature, He is Creator. I trust that He desires the best for me and is powerful to enact His plan, as we talked about in Part One. Submission would never make sense without this reality. Therefore we preach the glory of God by practicing submission. Why on earth would I submit to my husband if God cannot be trusted? I can't think of any good reason.

4. God's word directs my life. I orient my life around the Bible and acknowledge it's authority.

If I am too proud to submit, it implies that I reject these truths. That is how the word of God gets reviled.

What is submission not?

a. Submission is not a pattern for the general relationship between men and women. Men are not the heads of women; husbands are the heads of their own wives. Women do not submit to men in general; they submit to their own husband. A woman may affirm and nurture the leadership of worthy men other than her husband, but this does not give them headship over her.

I have one head. I submit to one man.

b. Submission is not based on the husband's superior intellect, morality, Bible knowledge, education, or better relationship with God, or any corresponding inferiority or weakness in the wife.

1 Corinthians 11:3 "...the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God."

The head of Christ is God. Is God the Father in any way superior to Christ? Review the verses from Part Two if you need. For example: John 10:30 "I and the Father are one." This is not a merit-based system. It's a role, an assignment, not a system of reward and punishment. Any one individual husband may or may not have any or all of the above commendations, but that matters not a hill of beans when it comes to submission. We do this because God says to, not because our husbands "deserve" it. If I submit because I'm a mindless idiot or spineless doormat, what glory does that bring to God? Very little.

c. Submission to your husband is not a replacement for your first love.

God created my heart; I can allow Him to satisfy it. No man can. Only an omnipotent God can "meet my needs." It would be unfair to expect my husband to do what only God can do. I must be careful with my expectations; husbands make lousy idols.

While I'm here, a note of clarification on the phrase "as to the Lord" in the Ephesians passage. This does not mean, as I once assumed, "treat your husband like he's God." Absolutely not! This is more along the lines of

1 Corinthians 10:31 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

By which I mean, we do not submit to our husbands as if they were God. We do it because we are submitting to God when we do anything out of loving obedience to God. We obey God by obeying his command to submit to our husbands. We submit because we love God, trust God, believe God when He says this is the way He made marriage and this is how He wants it to function. We trust the divine plan. We do not submit because our husbands "deserve" it. We submit because God does.

Acts 5:29 "We must obey God rather than men."

We do not follow our husbands into sin. If a husband asks his Christian wife to sin with or for him, she rightly refuses. For example, even if the husband forbids it, a Christian woman should: Go to church. Teach her children about God. Not lie for her husband. Refuse to participate with him in immorality. More on this in Part Four.

d. Submission is not as scary as it sounds. We trust a sovereign God as we follow a fallen man. We do not submit because our husbands do not make any mistakes. We submit because God makes none.

e. Submission is not carte blanche for the husband to do whatever he wants. Reread the Ephesians passage above for what is required of the husband. "gave himself up for her...love their wives as their own bodies...nourish and cherish..." Unfortunately it needs to be said, submission is not a license for abuse. Not only does a wife not follow her husband into sin, she does not turn a blind eye to his sin. More on this in Part Four.

f. Submission is not the defining characteristic of the Christian woman. It is one aspect of the marital relationship. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm giving lots of space to it here because it can be so readily misunderstood. Women are not always taught how to do this properly or given a theological perspective from which to approach difficult passages, so I want to provide that. But there is more to life, and there is more to marriage.

So, what does submission look like?

a. A disposition, an inclination, not a fixed set of rules and behaviors. It looks different for every woman, in every situation.

b. Expectancy. Expect God to lead your family through your husband, and look for it. Watch for God's wisdom and leadership to come through him. When Jesus was a small child and the family needed to escape to Egypt, how did God guide them?

Matthew 2:13-14 "...behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said, "Rise, take the child and his mother, and flee to Egypt, and remain there until I tell you, for Herod is about to search for the child, to destroy him." ¹⁴And he rose and took the child and his mother by night..."

Obviously Mary is perfectly capable of hearing from God, and He is gracious in His dealings with her. She is the first person on Earth to know of the coming Messiah. In Luke 1 the angel Gabriel announces to her "Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!" But down the road a few ways, when God has news for her family, Joseph is the first to hear about it.

It is no different for our families. Part of what submission looks like is our general expectation that our husbands will be hearing from God about things that concern the whole family. Not because we can't receive guidance from God for ourselves; hopefully we do frequently. And not because our husbands are any better at listening than we are. But God has said it will often happen this way, and we believe God.

c. Diplomacy. We honor our husbands with our speech.

Proverbs 14:1 "The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down."

The things men do to destroy marriages are, generally speaking, more public and obvious than the things women do. This is a broad generalization, of course. But many marriages have fallen ostensibly because of the husband's unfaithfulness, when actually the wife has been tearing her house down with her tongue for years.

We should speak honorably to our husbands. You do like the guy, right? So act like it, and speak kindly. Golden rule and all that. Sometimes I say things to my husband, cruel things, that I would never say to a friend, or even a stranger. This should not be. And we should speak honorably about him to friends, in front of the children, and on the phone with mom. Don't share his sins and weaknesses. Would you want him to do that? Women like to gab when we get together. This is not news. But how often do you hear a girl say things about her husband which would devastate her if she heard him say the same about her?

But what about my freedom?

Haven't I been liberated?

John 8:32-36 ...you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." 33 They answered him, "We are offspring of abraham and have never been enslaved to anyone. How is it that you say, 'You will become free'?"
34 Jesus answered them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin. 35 The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. 36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."

Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

True freedom is found in deliverance from sin through Christ.

It is not found by giving in to every impulse you have, the moment you have it. There are sensations of unbounded independence that certainly feel free. But they are not true freedom, because they deny God's truth, the ultimate reality, and will eventually lead to calamity.

Think of skydiving. Wouldn't it feel more free to fall without the "encumbrance" of a parachute? All those straps, the extra weight...it must feel confining. But obviously you will very rapidly become a slave to gravity. Or a train. Mustn't it get old, running along the same tracks everyday? Wouldn't it feel "liberating" to leave behind the tracks and make a path for oneself, out in the green pasture?

We find our greatest and truest freedom when we loose the bondage to the sinful self. If I can learn to discipline myself to not follow every desire, to not pursue every path that looks nice from my perspective, to not act on every transient emotion, or believe every cultural influence that writes a magazine article, I will ultimately experience much greater freedom. Sometimes we must endure a discipline that at first feels restrictive in order to be released from bondage we hadn't even realized we were in.

Do we trust our Creator? Does He want our ultimate freedom? Or do we know best?

Here is the flip side: True freedom is NOT found in legalism, either. Submission gets a big name in some Christian circles, and there are women who wear it like a badge of honor.

Galatians 5:1 For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

Submission to God's design in faith is liberating. Submission to a man out of legalism is suffocating.

..................................................................

Much of this material adapted from Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.

Stay tuned for Part Four: Conflict and Sin. How does a Christian woman conduct herself in a fight? How does she respond to the sins of her husband? What protection is available for her?

Biblical Femininity Part Two: In the Image of God

(Please read Part One first.)

What does it mean to be made in the image of God, as a woman, as an individual, and as a wife?

I encourage you to take a second to read all of Genesis 1 & 2 before we get started. And then I'll just call your attention to a few key verses:

Genesis 1:26-28 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth."27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

28 And God blessed them. And God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth."…..

Gen. 2:6-8 and a mist was going up from the land and was watering the whole face of the ground— 7 then the LORD God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature. 8 And the LORD God planted a garden in Eden, in the east, and there he put the man whom he had formed...

Gen 2:18 Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him."

Each individual is made in the image of God. You, a woman, by yourself, reflect the image of God, the imago Dei, and stand alone before Him. But there is also a social aspect to that image. How does God describe everything in creation up to the making of man? "And God saw that it was good." But then what? Verse 2:18 "It is not good that the man should be alone." Just as the Trinity exists in relationship; we were made to exist in relationship. The task assigned to the image bearers ("be fruitful and multiply," 1:28) cannot be performed by an individual. The Trinity has perfect harmony, perfect unity, perfect intimacy and communication.

But what does that look like? How do the members of the Trinity relate to one another? Is it egalitarian? Is there structure? Roles? Authority?

Psalm 30:10 "Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me! O LORD, be my helper!"

Psalm 54:4 "Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life."

Psalm 118:6-7 "The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? The LORD is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me." (this verse also quoted in Hebrews 13:6)

Did you notice that? The psalmist is referring to God as his helper. This is clearly more than a secretary, right? An assistant, to iron shirts and bring the coffee? Hardly. Let's not forget that this is the LORD, the "upholder of my life," about whom we say:

Psalm 104 ²⁷These all look to you,
to give them their food in due season.
²⁸When you give it to them, they gather it up;
when you open your hand, they are filled with good things.
²⁹When you hide your face, they are dismayed;
when you take away their breath, they die
and return to their dust.
³⁰When you send forth your Spirit, they are created,
and you renew the face of the ground.

It is this God, the very same one, who is described as our helper.

Keep reading as Jesus discusses His relationship with the other members of the Trinity:

John 5:16-23 And this was why the Jews were persecuting Jesus, because he was doing these things on the Sabbath. 17 But Jesus answered them, "My Father is working until now, and I am working." 18 This was why the Jews were seeking all the more to kill him, because not only was he breaking the Sabbath, but he was even calling God his own Father, making himself equal with God.
19So Jesus said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing. For whatever the Father does, that the Son does likewise. 20 For the Father loves the Son and shows him all that he himself is doing. And greater works than these will he show him, so that you may marvel. 21 For as the Father raises the dead and gives them life, so also the Son gives life to whom he will. 22 The Father judges no one, but has given all judgment to the Son, 23 that all may honor the Son, just as they honor the Father. Whoever does not honor the Son does not honor the Father who sent him.

John 10:30 "I and the Father are one."

John 12:49-50 "For I have not spoken on my own authority, but the Father who sent me has himself given me a commandment—what to say and what to speak. 50 And I know that his commandment is eternal life. What I say, therefore, I say as the Father has told me."

John 14:6-11 Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. 7 If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him. 8 Philip said to him, "Lord, show us the Father, and it is enough for us." 9 Jesus said to him, "Have I been with you so long, and you still do not know me, Philip? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, 'Show us the Father'? 10Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words that I say to you I do not speak on my own authority, but the Father who dwells in me does his works. 11 Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me, or else believe on account of the works themselves.

John 14:15-17 "If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth..."

Perhaps most dramatically:

Matt 26:39 And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will."

Within the Trinity, there is a voluntary, functional subordination of the Son and Spirit to the Father.

Do not miss this: within the Trinity, there is a VOLUNTARY, FUNCTIONAL SUBORDINATION of the Son and Spirit to the Father.

God Himself is not too proud to be our "helper."

Christ the Lord is not unwilling to be a servant.

Are we really too proud? Too good for this?

Listen to this: "This is a way that women are made in the image of God. Willingness to subordinate oneself to others for God's sake is itself a component of the image of God, not a compromise thereof." *

Does that make anyone else stand up a little straighter?

As I take a good honest look at my beloved Christ, suddenly I feel less embarrassed to proclaim the doctrine of submission.

Submission is not always taught in a Trinitarian context, and I think that's a shame. It is a dangerous thing to teach without the framework of the Godhead. Without the God-man Jesus, it just seems like subjugation of women. I get that.

BUT we follow a God who delights in turning our "wisdom" on its ear. If "helper" means what we think it means, it's not a good idea to use that word in reference to God. If our "dignity" is dependent upon our "rights" being protected, then our dignity is a very delicate thing. If we think it's degrading to "submit" to an equal, then Christ was degraded. Of course it doesn't make sense. If it did, would it honor God in quite the same way? I mean, does it "make sense" for Jesus to submit to the Father in such a way, to be humiliated as a human baby and child, to suffer a cruel, naked death after a mock trial?

Philippians 2:3-11 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

* This quote and much of this material was pulled from the chapter titled "Men and Women in the Image of God" written by John Frame in the book Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem. Highly, highly recommended.

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Next up, Part 3: Submission: What does it look like? What it is, what it is not.

Part 4: But what if he _____? Conflict resolution within the context of submission.

Biblical Femininity Part One

I was asked to help lead a seminar on Biblical Femininity a couple of months ago at Christ Church. I enjoyed the opportunity immensely. I have wrestled with this subject for years, and God has been gracious to lead me gently. I have found that God is not afraid of our honest questions and will lead us (eventually) beside still waters, if only we will follow.

I have wanted to transfer the notes from my talk onto here for some time. I hope they will be a helpful resource for women of the Church. Please know that I approach this as a fellow struggler who has learned much the hard way. I just laugh at the irony that I am teaching this subject at all, given how desperately I have fought it. If you resist it, or chafe under it, know that I have as well, and keep at it. Just don't give up; there is treasure there. Don't release God until He has blessed you through this.

If you prefer to listen to the audio version, it is here. Please don't laugh at me; I'm not a professional speaker. It's not as polished as I would like.

Part One: Foundational Biblical Truths

We have to begin here. When we struggle with the specifics of certain Biblical doctrines, it often reflects dis-ease in fundamental Gospel truths. Let me give you an example: If I am fearful that following God's instruction will leave me powerless and defenseless, that actually reflects a lack of trust in God's gracious and omnipotent provision for me. I can analyze the cultural implications of the particular instruction all day long, but I won't experience spiritual growth until I deal with the broader reality. Another example: If I refuse to accept a difficult teaching because it "doesn't feel right," I am trusting my own fallen heart above the absolute authority of Holy Scripture. If I hold the Bible in one hand, and my instinct in the other, and weigh them equally, I am thinking much more of myself than I ought.

So when I find myself chafing under some of these specific ideas that we'll get to later, very often it can be traced back to one of these core issues. That's why I start here.

a. God is all-powerful and all-knowing.
He knows what I feel, need, and desire. He knows what is best for me, how I may best glorify Him. He cares for me with strength and power. I do not need to be afraid. He has a plan for me, and all strength to enact that plan and protect me, even when from my limited perspective I cannot see that plan and may feel vulnerable.

b. God is all-loving, gracious and good.
Jer. 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
God is righteous and compassionate. He can be trusted. He will hear me and care for me, and His care for me will always be good.

c. I am fallen and sinful.
Jer. 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"
My heart cannot be trusted. Sometimes my emotions are misleading, and it would be better to pay attention to eternal truth. Oprah, et al. would have us believe otherwise, but we can't always "find our own truth."

d. I am precious to God.
He redeemed me at great price. My obedience is the natural response to His love and sacrifice.

e. God gave His word as a gracious gift to me.
I can go to His word expecting to find wisdom and grace.
John 8:32 "and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

If these aren't registering deep within your soul as truth, the rest of what I have to say will not resonate for you either. You may even experience profound and violent opposition. Don't try to grapple with things like headship and submission outside the context of the sovereignty of God. Of course they won't work; they were never designed to function in an atheistic vacuum. These presuppositions are necessary for what follows. Please don't forget them. God asks much of us, and it can be overwhelming if we lose the big picture. Hold on to the Gospel. Don't lose sight of the cross.

Don't stop wrestling.