I roped several of my friends and family members into writing a team blog about cooking. Go see Family Supper Club for inspiration and ideas. From the intro:
Come see what real families are eating. Meal plans, recipes, successes and failures, takeout confessions, cookbook and equipment reviews, and whatever else we think of. All from real people cooking for real families, with schedules and budgets and priorities. Some are finicky; some are gourmet. Some are green, some like fast food, some stick with meat and potatoes. Some are Julia Child, and others are Sara Lee. This is what we eat.
I'm excited to be working with such fun and intriguing people. You know how sometimes you just feel so proud of your friends and honored to know them? That's how I feel this week. I think they're just going to knock it out of the park. We all have different perspectives, priorities, and experiences, and that's what makes it interesting.
All of the authors are united by an interest in good food but we all differ in the details of what that means. Some are vegetarian, some quick & easy, some meat & potatoes. Some just learning, others more adventurous and/or experienced. Smoker specialists and cafeteria connoisseurs. Some farmers, some city girls. Some working mamas, some homeschool mamas, and one single guy (see, Pete? I've already committed you, so you have to do it). Hopefully grandmas and college students, if I can talk them into it. Different budgets, different kitchens, different family sizes. This way we can learn from each other.
I just realized that a few points could use clarification. First, Biblical masculinity is a topic well worth covering. I am not the woman for the job, but I know the man who is. Justin and Casey organized and taught a wonderful seminar on Biblical Masculinity back in April, and Stephanie and I were asked to lead the corresponding session for women. Justin's talk is available here. I would never endorse a church which taught submission for women and yet remained silent on the unique tasks of men. I won't write about them here, but they are substantial.
It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that there is much press in Christian circles given to submission. Lots of books, blog posts like this, etc. discussing "what does submission mean, how do I do it, etc." But there is sadly less literature for men about "how can I love my wife as Christ loved the church?" which is unfortunate. I just want to be clear that although this blog is written by a woman, and these posts are primarily geared to women, that is not the full picture.
Also, I know that I'm not doing an exhaustive study of femininity. I am currently posting only the material I prepared for a short seminar, and I know I'm not covering everything. I don't mean to imply that Femininity = Submission. That is definitely not the case. I only hit on it because it needs to be properly understood. But there is a lot out there we could also be talking about. We're not talking about motherhood at all, women in church, or women in the workforce, or dating....lots of things. I know. I may be able to get to it eventually; let me know if you would like to see a particular topic. I have a request pending for some writing about women in medicine; that is "marinating" in the back of my mind, but it's coming. Anything else?
There it is, the "S" word. You knew it was coming, didn't you?
If you're anything like me, the word "submission" is loaded with strong emotion. It is easily and widely misunderstood and misapplied, and for that reason it rubs many of us the wrong way.
But... there can be another reason for our offense, that little thing we call "pride." That's why I like to review those verses about submission within the Trinity. It turns down the dial on my own pride a few notches, especially the Philippians passage. In fact I'll just put that one here, in case you don't want to click over.
Philippians 2:5-11 5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: 6Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
9Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
10that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.
The reality is that the God we serve is not too proud to serve, to submit, to be a helper. To obey. So why in the world am I?? Keep that reality in the back of your mind as we move on to Ephesians:
Ephesians 5:21-33 "....submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
So what is submission?A disposition to yield to the husband's authority and an inclination to follow his leadership.
Some general characteristics first.
a. Submission is freely given. Notice that it is the wife's responsibility to "see" to it in verse 33. It springs from the wife's loving obedience to Christ. It is not imposed by a domineering husband. In fact the husband is nowhere commanded to "make your wife submit."
(As an aside, just review again exactly what husbands are commanded. Not much leeway for chauvinism, is there? Some husbands love to "remind" their wives of these verses, but somehow forget to apply them to themselves first.)
Likewise, we cannot demand or enforce our husbands to obey their command to love us as Christ loved the Church. Anyone ever tried that? How's that working out for ya'? ; )
b. Submission is honoring to God.
Titus 2:3-5 "Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, 4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled."
What is it, exactly, about a woman who is not submissive that leads to the word of God being reviled? Doesn't that seem a little harsh? What is it about my submission that somehow brings honor to God?
Our God deals in little things, or at least sometimes they seem small to us. Attitudes of the heart, issues of the individual family in the privacy of their own home. These things matter to God.
When I submit, it shows that:
1. Obedience to God is more important than having my own way. If I am willing to embrace this doctrine, it teaches me and proclaims to those watching that I would rather obey God than follow my own impulses and desires. This is a discipline.
2. True freedom is found only in Christ. Not in following every impulse I have, the moment I have it. More on this later.
3. I reverence the Lord as sovereign and powerful. I am the creature, He is Creator. I trust that He desires the best for me and is powerful to enact His plan, as we talked about in Part One. Submission would never make sense without this reality. Therefore we preach the glory of God by practicing submission. Why on earth would I submit to my husband if God cannot be trusted? I can't think of any good reason.
4. God's word directs my life. I orient my life around the Bible and acknowledge it's authority.
If I am too proud to submit, it implies that I reject these truths. That is how the word of God gets reviled.
What is submission not?
a. Submission is not a pattern for the general relationship between men and women. Men are not the heads of women; husbands are the heads of their own wives. Women do not submit to men in general; they submit to their own husband. A woman may affirm and nurture the leadership of worthy men other than her husband, but this does not give them headship over her.
I have one head. I submit to one man.
b. Submission is not based on the husband's superior intellect, morality, Bible knowledge, education, or better relationship with God, or any corresponding inferiority or weakness in the wife.
1 Corinthians 11:3 "...the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God."
The head of Christ is God. Is God the Father in any way superior to Christ? Review the verses from Part Two if you need. For example: John 10:30 "I and the Father are one." This is not a merit-based system. It's a role, an assignment, not a system of reward and punishment. Any one individual husband may or may not have any or all of the above commendations, but that matters not a hill of beans when it comes to submission. We do this because God says to, not because our husbands "deserve" it. If I submit because I'm a mindless idiot or spineless doormat, what glory does that bring to God? Very little.
c. Submission to your husband is not a replacement for your first love.
God created my heart; I can allow Him to satisfy it. No man can. Only an omnipotent God can "meet my needs." It would be unfair to expect my husband to do what only God can do. I must be careful with my expectations; husbands make lousy idols.
While I'm here, a note of clarification on the phrase "as to the Lord" in the Ephesians passage. This does not mean, as I once assumed, "treat your husband like he's God." Absolutely not! This is more along the lines of
1 Corinthians 10:31 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
By which I mean, we do not submit to our husbands as if they were God. We do it because we are submitting to God when we do anything out of loving obedience toGod. We obey God by obeying his command to submit to our husbands. We submit because we love God, trust God, believe God when He says this is the way He made marriage and this is how He wants it to function. We trust the divine plan. We do not submit because our husbands "deserve" it. We submit because God does.
Acts 5:29 "We must obey God rather than men."
We do not follow our husbands into sin. If a husband asks his Christian wife to sin with or for him, she rightly refuses. For example, even if the husband forbids it, a Christian woman should: Go to church. Teach her children about God. Not lie for her husband. Refuse to participate with him in immorality. More on this in Part Four.
d. Submission is not as scary as it sounds. We trust a sovereign God as we follow a fallen man. We do not submit because our husbands do not make any mistakes. We submit because God makes none.
e. Submission is not carte blanche for the husband to do whatever he wants. Reread the Ephesians passage above for what is required of the husband. "gave himself up for her...love their wives as their own bodies...nourish and cherish..." Unfortunately it needs to be said, submission is not a license for abuse. Not only does a wife not follow her husband into sin, she does not turn a blind eye tohis sin. More on this in Part Four.
f. Submission is not the defining characteristic of the Christian woman. It is one aspect of the marital relationship. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm giving lots of space to it here because it can be so readily misunderstood. Women are not always taught how to do this properly or given a theological perspective from which to approach difficult passages, so I want to provide that. But there is more to life, and there is more to marriage.
So, what does submission look like?
a. A disposition, an inclination, not a fixed set of rules and behaviors. It looks different for every woman, in every situation.
b. Expectancy. Expect God to lead your family through your husband, and look for it. Watch for God's wisdom and leadership to come through him. When Jesus was a small child and the family needed to escape to Egypt, how did God guide them?
Matthew 2:13-14 "...behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said, "Rise, take the child and his mother, and flee to Egypt, and remain there until I tell you, for Herod is about to search for the child, to destroy him." 14And he rose and took the child and his mother by night..."
Obviously Mary is perfectly capable of hearing from God, and He is gracious in His dealings with her. She is the first person on Earth to know of the coming Messiah. In Luke 1 the angel Gabriel announces to her "Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!" But down the road a few ways, when God has news for her family, Joseph is the first to hear about it.
It is no different for our families. Part of what submission looks like is our general expectation that our husbands will be hearing from God about things that concern the whole family. Not because we can't receive guidance from God for ourselves; hopefully we do frequently. And not because our husbands are any better at listening than we are. But God has said it will often happen this way, and we believe God.
c. Diplomacy. We honor our husbands with our speech.
Proverbs 14:1 "The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down."
The things men do to destroy marriages are, generally speaking, more public and obvious than the things women do. This is a broad generalization, of course. But many marriages have fallen ostensibly because of the husband's unfaithfulness, when actually the wife has been tearing her house down with her tongue for years.
We should speak honorably to our husbands. You do like the guy, right? So act like it, and speak kindly. Golden rule and all that. Sometimes I say things to my husband, cruel things, that I would never say to a friend, or even a stranger. This should not be. And we should speak honorably about him to friends, in front of the children, and on the phone with mom. Don't share his sins and weaknesses. Would you want him to do that? Women like to gab when we get together. This is not news. But how often do you hear a girl say things about her husband which would devastate her if she heard him say the same about her?
But what about my freedom?
Haven't I been liberated?
John 8:32-36 ...you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." 33 They answered him, "We are offspring of abraham and have never been enslaved to anyone. How is it that you say, 'You will become free'?"
34 Jesus answered them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin. 35 The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. 36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."
Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
True freedom is found in deliverance from sin through Christ.
It is not found by giving in to every impulse you have, the moment you have it. There are sensations of unbounded independence that certainly feel free. But they are not true freedom, because they deny God's truth, the ultimate reality, and will eventually lead to calamity.
Think of skydiving. Wouldn't it feel more free to fall without the "encumbrance" of a parachute? All those straps, the extra weight...it must feel confining. But obviously you will very rapidly become a slave to gravity. Or a train. Mustn't it get old, running along the same tracks everyday? Wouldn't it feel "liberating" to leave behind the tracks and make a path for oneself, out in the green pasture?
We find our greatest and truest freedom when we loose the bondage to the sinful self. If I can learn to discipline myself to not follow every desire, to not pursue every path that looks nice from my perspective, to not act on every transient emotion, or believe every cultural influence that writes a magazine article, I will ultimately experience much greater freedom. Sometimes we must endure a discipline that at first feels restrictive in order to be released from bondage we hadn't even realized we were in.
Do we trust our Creator? Does He want our ultimate freedom? Or do we know best?
Here is the flip side: True freedom is NOT found in legalism, either. Submission gets a big name in some Christian circles, and there are women who wear it like a badge of honor.
Galatians 5:1 For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.
Submission to God's design in faith is liberating. Submission to a man out of legalism is suffocating.
Stay tuned for Part Four: Conflict and Sin. How does a Christian woman conduct herself in a fight? How does she respond to the sins of her husband? What protection is available for her?
What does it mean to be made in the image of God, as a woman, as an individual, and as a wife?
I encourage you to take a second to read all of Genesis 1 & 2 before we get started. And then I'll just call your attention to a few key verses:
Genesis 1:26-28 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth."27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.
28 And God blessed them. And God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth."…..
Gen. 2:6-8 and a mist was going up from the land and was watering the whole face of the ground— 7 then the LORD God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature. 8 And the LORD God planted a garden in Eden, in the east, and there he put the man whom he had formed...
Gen 2:18 Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him."
Each individual is made in the image of God. You, a woman, by yourself, reflect the image of God, the imago Dei, and stand alone before Him. But there is also a social aspect to that image. How does God describe everything in creation up to the making of man? "And God saw that it was good." But then what? Verse 2:18 "It is not good that the man should be alone." Just as the Trinity exists in relationship; we were made to exist in relationship. The task assigned to the image bearers ("be fruitful and multiply," 1:28) cannot be performed by an individual. The Trinity has perfect harmony, perfect unity, perfect intimacy and communication.
But what does that look like? How do the members of the Trinity relate to one another? Is it egalitarian? Is there structure? Roles? Authority?
Psalm 30:10 "Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me! O LORD, be my helper!"
Psalm 54:4 "Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life."
Psalm 118:6-7 "The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? The LORD is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me." (this verse also quoted in Hebrews 13:6)
Did you notice that? The psalmist is referring to God as his helper. This is clearly more than a secretary, right? An assistant, to iron shirts and bring the coffee? Hardly. Let's not forget that this is the LORD, the "upholder of my life," about whom we say:
Psalm 104 27These all look to you, to give them their food in due season. 28When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are filled with good things. 29When you hide your face, they are dismayed; when you take away their breath, they die and return to their dust. 30When you send forth your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the ground.
It is this God, the very same one, who is described as our helper.
Keep reading as Jesus discusses His relationship with the other members of the Trinity:
John 5:16-23 And this was why the Jews were persecuting Jesus, because he was doing these things on the Sabbath. 17 But Jesus answered them, "My Father is working until now, and I am working." 18 This was why the Jews were seeking all the more to kill him, because not only was he breaking the Sabbath, but he was even calling God his own Father, making himself equal with God. 19So Jesus said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing. For whatever the Father does, that the Son does likewise. 20 For the Father loves the Son and shows him all that he himself is doing. And greater works than these will he show him, so that you may marvel. 21 For as the Father raises the dead and gives them life, so also the Son gives life to whom he will. 22 The Father judges no one, but has given all judgment to the Son, 23 that all may honor the Son, just as they honor the Father. Whoever does not honor the Son does not honor the Father who sent him.
John 10:30 "I and the Father are one."
John 12:49-50 "For I have not spoken on my own authority, but the Father who sent me has himself given me a commandment—what to say and what to speak. 50 And I know that his commandment is eternal life. What I say, therefore, I say as the Father has told me."
John 14:6-11 Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. 7 If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him. 8 Philip said to him, "Lord, show us the Father, and it is enough for us." 9 Jesus said to him, "Have I been with you so long, and you still do not know me, Philip? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, 'Show us the Father'? 10Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words that I say to you I do not speak on my own authority, but the Father who dwells in me does his works. 11 Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me, or else believe on account of the works themselves.
John 14:15-17 "If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth..."
Perhaps most dramatically:
Matt 26:39 And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will."
Within the Trinity, there is a voluntary, functional subordination of the Son and Spirit to the Father.
Do not miss this: within the Trinity, there is a VOLUNTARY, FUNCTIONAL SUBORDINATION of the Son and Spirit to the Father.
God Himself is not too proud to be our "helper."
Christ the Lord is not unwilling to be a servant.
Are we really too proud? Too good for this?
Listen to this: "This is a way that women are made in the image of God. Willingness to subordinate oneself to others for God's sake is itself a component of the image of God, not a compromise thereof." *
Does that make anyone else stand up a little straighter?
As I take a good honest look at my beloved Christ, suddenly I feel less embarrassed to proclaim the doctrine of submission.
Submission is not always taught in a Trinitarian context, and I think that's a shame. It is a dangerous thing to teach without the framework of the Godhead. Without the God-man Jesus, it just seems like subjugation of women. I get that.
BUT we follow a God who delights in turning our "wisdom" on its ear. If "helper" means what we think it means, it's not a good idea to use that word in reference to God. If our "dignity" is dependent upon our "rights" being protected, then our dignity is a very delicate thing. If we think it's degrading to "submit" to an equal, then Christ was degraded. Of course it doesn't make sense. If it did, would it honor God in quite the same way? I mean, does it "make sense" for Jesus to submit to the Father in such a way, to be humiliated as a human baby and child, to suffer a cruel, naked death after a mock trial?
Philippians 2:3-11 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
* This quote and much of this material was pulled from the chapter titled "Men and Women in the Image of God" written by John Frame in the book Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem. Highly, highly recommended.
I was asked to help lead a seminar on Biblical Femininity a couple of months ago at Christ Church. I enjoyed the opportunity immensely. I have wrestled with this subject for years, and God has been gracious to lead me gently. I have found that God is not afraid of our honest questions and will lead us (eventually) beside still waters, if only we will follow.
I have wanted to transfer the notes from my talk onto here for some time. I hope they will be a helpful resource for women of the Church. Please know that I approach this as a fellow struggler who has learned much the hard way. I just laugh at the irony that I am teaching this subject at all, given how desperately I have fought it. If you resist it, or chafe under it, know that I have as well, and keep at it. Just don't give up; there is treasure there. Don't release God until He has blessed you through this.
If you prefer to listen to the audio version, it is here. Please don't laugh at me; I'm not a professional speaker. It's not as polished as I would like.
Part One: Foundational Biblical Truths
We have to begin here. When we struggle with the specifics of certain Biblical doctrines, it often reflects dis-ease in fundamental Gospel truths. Let me give you an example: If I am fearful that following God's instruction will leave me powerless and defenseless, that actually reflects a lack of trust in God's gracious and omnipotent provision for me. I can analyze the cultural implications of the particular instruction all day long, but I won't experience spiritual growth until I deal with the broader reality. Another example: If I refuse to accept a difficult teaching because it "doesn't feel right," I am trusting my own fallen heart above the absolute authority of Holy Scripture. If I hold the Bible in one hand, and my instinct in the other, and weigh them equally, I am thinking much more of myself than I ought.
So when I find myself chafing under some of these specific ideas that we'll get to later, very often it can be traced back to one of these core issues. That's why I start here.
a. God is all-powerful and all-knowing. He knows what I feel, need, and desire. He knows what is best for me, how I may best glorify Him. He cares for me with strength and power. I do not need to be afraid. He has a plan for me, and all strength to enact that plan and protect me, even when from my limited perspective I cannot see that plan and may feel vulnerable.
b. God is all-loving, gracious and good. Jer. 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." God is righteous and compassionate. He can be trusted. He will hear me and care for me, and His care for me will always be good.
c. I am fallen and sinful. Jer. 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" My heart cannot be trusted. Sometimes my emotions are misleading, and it would be better to pay attention to eternal truth. Oprah, et al. would have us believe otherwise, but we can't always "find our own truth."
d. I am precious to God. He redeemed me at great price. My obedience is the natural response to His love and sacrifice.
e. God gave His word as a gracious gift to me. I can go to His word expecting to find wisdom and grace. John 8:32 "and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
If these aren't registering deep within your soul as truth, the rest of what I have to say will not resonate for you either. You may even experience profound and violent opposition. Don't try to grapple with things like headship and submission outside the context of the sovereignty of God. Of course they won't work; they were never designed to function in an atheistic vacuum. These presuppositions are necessary for what follows. Please don't forget them. God asks much of us, and it can be overwhelming if we lose the big picture. Hold on to the Gospel. Don't lose sight of the cross.
I just had to share that I'm feeling much better now. I'm twelve weeks along, and the fog of morning sickness and fatigue has started to lift. I just caught myself flipping through my Julia Child cookbook, daydreaming and drooling. That's a very good sign.
I'm not 100% yet, but the fact that food sounds interesting, and I have the energy to prepare it, is wonderful. I'm starting to feel like myself again.
You are one of the happiest people I have ever been around. You just giggle and smile all day long. You are getting taller and thinner, and don't look much like a baby at all. But still, three sounds too old.
You are swimming well now, and you like to cook with mama. You love to paint and color with markers. You sing constantly.
Happy birthday, princess.
It's my birthday, too. But we don't have to talk about that.
